The Importance of Being Christian

So, you thought those born-again Christians spreading the good news were only after your soul? You never realized they were trying to save your life, did you? It is only now that I understand how important their words were. Oh, why did we all POOH-POOH them?

As I sit here alone amidst the rubble and devastation, I don’t even feel the burns on my body. I contemplate the words of wisdom spouted at me every day from my TV set, and again, wherever I went, the grocery store, the gas station, the bar on the corner. I thought they were repellent at the time – “Join us or go to Hell,” is what they told me, and always the small whisper that followed, “We’re living the End of Days. The Apocalypse cometh.” I thought they were ignorant – I didn’t realize they had inside information.

I never realized when they spoke of their “divine strike” against Iran, they meant to start a global nuclear war. But I should have realized. One of their most revered leaders, George W. Bush, had made it all very clear. One had only to listen carefully to his words. When he and his fellow born-agains warned us of the impending Apocalypse, they had good reason – for they were in the exact right position to begin it. I’ll never forget his last words to us, before he pushed the button, “The goat lived! HAH! Yes, it lived!”

And now here I sit, alone in a world of nothing and no one. I pray for death. I pray that God will see fit to send me to the Netherworld, so that I might not bump into all those who were resurrected – I pray that he not punish me with such an incredibly boring after- life. Besides, I can’t stand to hear, “I told you so.”